clearskies, bluewater

Insights, reflections and creative imaginings for our awakening world

Part 2: T&A, bosoms and cocks, fetishes and obsessions

5 Comments

Today I would like to respond to a reader’s comments on my last blog post. (https://clearskiesbluewater.wordpress.com/2012/03/31/tits-and-ass-cocks-and-bosoms-fannies-and-phalluses-fetishes-and-obsessions/)First, I wish to thank ‘Second’ for taking the time to think about my post and respond with some thoughts of her ( I assume) own. Obviously my post about the more twisted aspects of sexuality and the human form in our times has barely scratched the surface of a complex and intricate issue, which encompasses many particular avenues of thought. I am only allowed short (and I know they aren’t always very) essays within the blog format, and this topic is large enough to fill many shelves in libraries and bookstores all over the western world. I am merely a person who thinks about things, and I appreciate this blog as a platform to give my thoughts some shape and form in which to communicate them to all of you. I am no expert on this, or anything. Still, I would like to respond to some of her points as best as I can.  Second, as I will call her, writes,
      Making love doesn’t stop an abusive step father from beating his kids. It can be actively counterproductive, since if those two people are making love the woman will not want to stop him because then he might leave. The truer their love the less she’ll want to stop it.

Sexuality and violence are two forces within the human being which, all too often, become tangled up with each other. They are such powerful forces, and can be very close within a person’s psyche, depending on how this person has been treated, as Second points out, earlier in life. Sexuality can take the form of aggression, leading to violence on the man’s part or passivity on the woman’s, who will passively take her partner’s abuse, along with his sexuality and whatever love he shows her, in an effort to not aggravate the situation or ‘make things even worse.’ Still, an abusive relationship is a separate, though obviously related, issue from the larger issue of ‘sexuality and its twisted manifestations in our times’ which I was trying to relay some of my thoughts about in the previous post.

 The issue of abuse between men and women, and within a family constellation is large and serious. It is not within the scope of my little blog to seriously tackle it, though I have enormous empathy for those who have lived through, or are now living with, an abusive family member, whether physical or emotional.  Second writes,
    Love is awesome, love conquers all and makes everything better, that vague hippie moral is not helpful for the real world. There’s also the problem that a lot of the fights we have are with people who we can’t sleep with. ‘love conquers all, orgasms are magical’ really isn’t a great way to deal with your mother being really passive aggressive and making you feel crappy or with your same sex female friend telling people your secrets behind your back.

 Here I must defend myself. I have never claimed, nor ever would, that ‘love conquers all and makes everything better.’ If anything I wrote smelled of ‘vague hippie morals,’ well I apologize because that was not at all my intent. Those kind of sentiments are much too simplistic and wholly unhelpful when it comes to Real Life, and how to deal with some of the kinds of situations Second has described. Again, I think it is important to separate one’s personal views and experiences from thinking about this issue in a more objective light. I realize how difficult it is to do this. We all see the world and each other through a particular lens, created through our life experiences and sufferings.

 Let me try to get my meaning across in another way. I will tell a little story to illustrate. Once upon a time there was a woman. She was lonely and sad because she had no love in her life. Her mother was horrid, unsupportive and mean and they didn’t see eye to eye on anything. She had been stabbed in the back by friends before, so it was difficult for her to trust anyone, so she had few friends, none whom she would let get close to her. Then one day, she met a man. He was different from the others she had known before, who merely used her and mistreated her, only wanting to have sex for their own pleasure, not really caring about her or her pleasure. This new man was interested in her, in who she was inside, as well as being attracted to her physically. They began to date, and the man was respectful of her, he was kind, he was polite. They began to get closer, to share what was in their hearts. Meanwhile, the longing within her to be physically close with him was growing. The longer they spent time together, the more interested they became in each other. After some time, (a month, perhaps) one evening she found herself at his apartment. They drank wine, talked a while. Then the man began kissing her, gently at first, then getting more passionate. Soon they were both feeling hot, wanting to make love. So they did, and for the woman, it was a revelation. Never before had a man cared about her pleasure, but this man did. He made certain that she reached climax before he did. When they both had, they lay together, very close, feeling each other’s presences. The woman was changed after this. She began to trust again, to trust in him and in the love they had found together.

 This might be a corny story, okay, but I just write it to prove a point: It is not an easy thing to let yourself truly open up to and love another human being. It can be very easy to give someone your body, to open in that way and yet stay very closed in heart and soul. Second writes,
     Lust is not a worse emotion than love. Love covers up all sins. At least with lust it only covers up the sins a couple times, then you feel free to find a new person to lust with. Our modern culture has corrupted love as badly as it’s corrupted lust.

This is a tricky sentence, ‘Lust is not a worse emotion than love.’ The best I can offer here is that they really are two very different emotional states, although again, there is obviously interweaving between love and lust, when a person is really in love and wants to make love, yes lust is present. I am not a moralizer, and do not wish to say that one is better or worse than another, or anything like that. But. I will go so far as to say this, Lust is on a lower level in the hierarchy of emotions which dwell within a human being. This too is a complicated issue, one for another day’s blog surely. For now, I will put it this way, If two people are simply fucking, the only real emotion between them is pure lust, and there is no love present, it will be a very different experience from one where two people are doing the very same act of having intercourse, and love is present between them. The quality of the experience will be much finer and more beautiful, like the difference between feeling polyester fabric between your fingers, and fine silk. Or between having a dollar hamburger and a gourmet french dish. Or between hearing a Disney-created pop song and hearing Beethoven’s 9th symphony. You can still like both, it’s not that. It’s just that the quality of the experience itself becomes a thousand times more wonderful, finer, and more worth having. If one has never had the finer experience, it will of course be impossible to know the difference. But once one has it, it will be impossible to forget.

It may be true that our culture has ‘corrupted love as badly as it’s corrupted lust,‘ but love itself cannot be corrupted. Love is like the sun, it is always there, intact and perfect, but from where we stand on the earth, it becomes covered over with clouds and seems to go away in the night when our part of the world is turned away from it. Love is like that too. It remains, and its power is immense. It is only us small humans who cannot reach it, or be brave and fearless enough to let it reach us. Love isn’t about game-playing, it has nothing to do with ‘sin.’ We play with love like it is a game, but it is we who end up the losers. When we allow Love to teach us, to change us, it absolutely will. I am not sure of much in this crazy life, but I am very sure of this. Love will change us and change our lives, if we let it. Love will change your life in a positive way, while lust most likely will not. This is not hippie swagger or anything like that. It is simply how Life works.

Again, I would like to give my gratitude to Second for helping me to clarify my thoughts a bit more on this important topic. I believe it is much more difficult to think seriously about life than it is to simply go along, stay on the surface, believe what the media constantly bombards us humans with, and be unwilling to question. That is the easy way, and far too many people in the western world take this easier path. But to be willing to open oneself to life’s perplexities and conundrums, to use one’s mind and heart in order to grow as a human being, to be more willing to listen to another than to simply judge them wrong and oneself as right, is, I think, the better way to live. You only have one life (at least at a time) so why not be awake as you are living it? If you have no questions, no answers can come to you.

Author: SingingBones

When we sing over the bones, we are calling the wild nature, the instinctive soul back, singing it alive again. To live with our wildness intact, is the greatest gift a woman can give herself. "It is the holy poetry and singing we are after." C.P. Estes

5 thoughts on “Part 2: T&A, bosoms and cocks, fetishes and obsessions

  1. I believe your total context here has to do with choice. Sexual relations, like anything else of value, have to be freely chosen by both parties to have a positive effect. Sexual abuse is another universe entirely.

    Earlier I wrote a blog post called “Perfect Bodies” that attempted to undermine the value of culturally-defined attractiveness. What attracts one human being to another is a function of personality, timing, mood, lighting and a million other variables; we’re not limited to an “attractiveness formula”. There are many possible paths to magical moments.

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    • Thanks for the comment. And I read your post about perfect bodies, and liked your story about the perfect-bodied, bad lover woman you once knew. I couldn’t agree more with the idea of freely given, freely received, yet that is only one part of this highly complex issue. But the struggle with ‘lust and love’, now that is something which one could ponder over for many years to come. SB

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      • Hmm. I don’t find the lust-love struggle that complicated. Lust by itself puts self before other; love puts other before self. Lust and love simultaneously allows for a powerful experience in which both self and other are gratified and validated. I think the greater problem is dishonesty with self and other about true motives.

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  2. hmmm… dishonesty certainly is a problem for most all of us. lust and love together… well in my experience, this is what has gotten me into the most trouble in my life! please read my latest blog, it is about you!

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  3. Leigh…I love your intensely introspective nature! There is another issue here I’d like to bring in…….the issue of honest expression of love. I find that I can love someone and, at the same time, find that societal norms dictate the appropriate expression of that love. Even if I feel OK about whatever expression I choose to clothe that love, there can be ramifications that ripple out into the larger world.Can I be true with my expression of love for all people and be OK with the reactions that can cause?

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